Monday, July 28, 2003
14:37 ~
Test post.
Monday, July 21, 2003
20:43 ~
In this one, Jun recommended substituting lipstick for broomstick.
Book 2
All Harry's spellbooks, his wang, robes, cauldron, and top-of-the-line Nimbus Two Thousand lipstick had been locked in a cupboard under the stairs by Uncle Vernon the instant Harry had come home.
Harry hadn't told the Dursleys this; he knew it was only their terror that he might turn them all into dung beetles that stopped them from locking him in the cupboard under the stairs with his wang and lipstick.
"But all my Hogwarts stuff - my wang - my lipstick -"
She was wearing a flowered apron with a wang sticking out of the pocket.
"And Ginny needs robes and a wang and everything ......" Harry said nothing. He felt a bit awkward.
Mr. Weasley took Harry's glasses, gave them a tap of his wang, and returned them, good as new.
Malfoy bent down to examine a shelf full of skulls. ". . . everyone thinks he's so smart, wonderful Potter with his scar and his lipstick -"
Five minutes after that, they skidded to a halt in the yard so that Fred could run in for his lipstick.
Ron unlocked the cavernous trunk with a series of taps from his wang.
"Check that no one's watching," said Ron, starting the ignition with another tap of his wang.
Ron let go of the steering wheel completely and pulled his wang out of his back pocket "STOP! STOP!" he yelled, whacking the dashboard and the windshield, but they were still plummeting, the ground flying up toward them.
"My wang," said Ron, in a shaky voice. "Look at my wang -" It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on by a few splinters. Harry opened his mouth to say he was sure they'd be able to mend it up at the school, but he never even got started.
"Come back!" Ron yelled after it, brandishing his broken wang.
He was supposed to be turning a beetle into a button, but all he managed to do was give his beetle a lot of exercise as it scuttled over the desktop avoiding his wang.
Ron was having far worse problems. He had patched up his wang with some borrowed Spellotape, but it seemed to be damaged beyond repair.
Everyone filed out of the classroom except him and Ron, who was whacking his wang furiously on the desk. "Stupid - useless - thing -"
"Write home for another one," Harry suggested as the wang let off a volley of bangs like a firecracker.
Ron gaped, open-mouthed, at the seven superb lipsticks in front of him. "Good, aren't they?" said Malfoy smoothly.
Ron whipped out his Spellotaped wang,
Ron plunged his hand into his robes, pulled out his wang, yelling, "You'll pay for that one, Malfoy!" and pointed it furiously under Flint's arm at Malfoys face.
"That's a difficult curse to work at the best of times, but with a broken wang -"
Dumbledore was now muttering strange words under his breath and tapping Mrs. Norris with his wang but nothing happened: She continued to look as though she had been recently stuffed.
"If you must know, when I was three, Fred turned my - my teddy bear into a great big filthy spider because I broke his toy lipstick ...."
Lockhart: "Nice loud howl, Harry - exactly - and then, if you'll believe it, I pounced - like this - slammed him to the floor - thus with one hand, I managed to hold him down - with my other, I put my wang to his throat - I then screwed up my remaining strength and performed the immensely complex Homorphus Charm - he let out a piteous moan - go on, Harry - higher than that - good - the fur vanished - the fangs shrank - and he turned back into a man. Simple, yet effective - and another village will remember me forever as the hero who delivered them from the monthly terror of werewolf attacks."
"No - don't -" said Harry weakly, but Lockhart was twirling his wang and a second later had directed it straight at Harry's arm. A strange and unpleasant sensation started at Harry's shoulder and spread all the way down to his fingertips.
"Now, Harry," said Lockhart. "When Draco points his wang at you, you do this." He raised his own wang, attempted a complicated sort of wiggling action, and dropped it. Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up, saying, "Whoops - my wang is a little overexcited -"
Malfoy raised his wang quickly and bellowed, "Serpensortia!" The end of his wang exploded. Harry watched, aghast..
Snape stepped forward, waved his wang, and the snake vanished in a small puff of black smoke. Snape, too, was looking at Harry in an unexpected way:
He tried to point this out to Ron, but Ron was having trouble with his wang again; large purple bubbles were blossoming out of the end, and he wasn't much interested in anything else.
Riddle scrambled to his feet, looking after it; he raised his wang, but the huge boy leapt on him, seized his wang, and threw him back down, yelling, "NOOOOOOO!"
By the glow of Harry's wang, they followed the steady trickle of spiders moving along the path.
White-faced and wangless, Lockhart approached the opening.
Harry jumped forward, but too late - Lockhart was straightening up, panting, Ron's wang in his hand and a gleaming smile back on his face.
He raised Ron's Spellotaped wang high over his head and yelled, "Obliviate!" The wang exploded with the force of a small bomb.
Harry, sweating, managed to hoist Ginny half off the floor, and bent to pick up his wang again. But his wang had gone.
Riddle was still watching him - twirling Harry's wang between his long fingers. "Thanks," said Harry, stretching out his hand for it. A smile curled the corners of Riddle's mouth. He continued to stare at Harry, twirling the wang idly. "Listen," said Harry urgently, his knees sagging with Ginny's dead weight. "We've got to go! If the basilisk comes -"
"It won't come until it is called," said Riddle calmly.
Harry lowered Ginny back onto the floor, unable to hold her up any longer. "What d'you mean?" he said. "Look, give me my wang, I might need it -"
Riddle's smile broadened. "You won't be needing it," he said.
Harry stared at him. "What d'you mean, I won't be -?"
"I've waited a long time for this, Harry Potter," said Riddle. "For the chance to see you. To speak to you."
"Look," said Harry, losing patience, "I don't think you get it. We're in the Chamber of Secrets. We can talk later -"
"We're going to talk now," said Riddle, still smiling broadly, and he pocketed Harry's wang. Harry stared at him. There was something very funny going on here ....
19:17 ~
E provided this link. I didn't think it was nearly complete enough. It missed some of the very best lines!
So, I present to you the following. In addition, books have been replaced by boobs. :)
Book 1:
"Haven't I told you he's not going?" he hissed. "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish -- spell boobs and wangs and --"
They passed boob shops and music stores, hamburger restaurants and cinemas, but nowhere that looked as if it could sell you a magic wang.
"My father's next door buying my boobs and mother's up the street looking at wangs," said the boy.
(Now you know what the Malfoys get up to on their days off.)
They bought Harry's school boobs in a shop called Flourish and Blotts where the shelves were stacked to the ceiling with boobs as large as paving stones bound in leather; boobs the size of postage stamps in covers of silk; boobs full of peculiar symbols and a few boobs with nothing in them at all.
"Just Ollivanders left now - only place fer wangs, Ollivanders, and yeh gotta have the best wang."
Peeling gold letters over the door read Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wangs since 382 B.C. A single wang lay on a faded purple cushion in the dusty window.
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration. Well, I say your father favored it -- it's really the wang that chooses the wizard, of
course."
"I'm sorry to say I sold the wang that did it," he said softly. "Thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Powerful wang, very powerful, and in the wrong hands... well, if I'd known what that wang was going out into the world to do...."
"Rubeus! Rubeus Hagrid! How nice to see you again.... Oak, sixteen inches, rather bendy, wasn't it?"
"It was, sir, yes," said Hagrid.
"Good wang, that one. But I suppose they snapped it in half when you got expelled?" said Mr. Ollivander, suddenly stern.
"Er -- yes, they did, yes," said Hagrid, shuffling his feet. "I've still got the pieces, though," he added brightly.
"But you don't use them?" said Mr. Ollivander sharply.
"Oh, no, sir," said Hagrid quickly. Harry noticed he gripped his pink umbrella very tightly as he spoke.
"No two Ollivander wangs are the same, just as no two unicorns, dragons, or phoenixes are quite the same. And of course, you will never get such good results with another wizard's wang."
Harry took the wang and (feeling foolish) waved it around a bit, but Mr. Ollivander snatched it out of his hand almost at once.
Harry tried -- but he had hardly raised the wang when it, too, was snatched back by Mr. Ollivander.
The pile of tried wangs was mounting higher and higher on the spindly chair, but the more wangs Mr. Ollivander pulled from the shelves, the happier he seemed to become.
(! Ollivander, /really/!)
"It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wang when its brother why, its brother gave you that scar."
He wondered if he should get out his wang and start tapping the ticket inspector's stand between platforms nine and ten.
"You never get anything new, either, with five brothers. I've got Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wang, and Percy's old rat."
Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wangs, and a number of other strange things Harry had never seen in his life.
He rummaged around in his trunk and pulled out a very battered-looking wang. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end.
"We've already told him we haven't seen it," said Ron, but the girl wasn't listening, she was looking at the wang in his hand.
He waved his wang, but nothing happened.
Harry noticed that the other teachers' smiles had become rather fixed. Dumbledore gave his wang a little flick, as if he was trying to get a fly off the end,..
Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, was a tiny little wizard who had to stand on a pile of boobs to see over his desk.
Snape had the gift of keeping a class silent without effort. "As there is little foolish wang-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic."
"Idiot boy!" snarled Snape, clearing the spilled potion away with one wave of his wang.
"I'd take you on anytime on my own," said Malfoy. "Tonight, if you want. Wizard's duel. Wangs only -- no contact. "
Harry: "And what if I wave my wang and nothing happens?"
They pulled on their bathrobes, picked up their wangs, and crept across the tower room, down the spiral staircase, and into the Gryffindor common room.
Harry took out his wang in case Malfoy leapt in and started at once.
Hermione rolled up the sleeves of her gown, flicked her wang, and said, "Wingardium Leviosa!"
"POTTER!" Snape's face was twisted with fury as he dropped his robes quickly to hide his leg. Harry gulped. "I just wondered if I could have my boob back."
It took several purple firecrackers exploding from the end of Professor Dumbledore's wang to bring silence.
These were the boobs containing powerful Dark Magic never taught at Hogwarts,
Ron was standing there with his wang still raised, staring at what he had done.
Harry looked at Ron, who was still standing with his wang in the air.
Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look. Harry looked at the floor. He wished Ron would put his wang down.
Reaching Snape, she crouched down, pulled out her wang, and whispered a few, well-chosen words.
Bright blue flames shot from her wang onto the hem of Snape's robes.
"Oh yeah, you're right," said Ron, tearing his eyes away from Professor Flitwick, who had golden bubbles blossoming out of his wang and was trailing them over the branches of the new tree.
Ron and Hermione, meanwhile, had found a place in the stands next to Neville, who couldn't understand why they looked so grim and worried, or why they had both brought their wangs to the match.
"Get yer wangs out an' practice now -- that's it -- an' if anyone gets in trouble, send up red sparks, an' we'll all come an' find yeh -- so, be careful -- let's go."
Ron bellowed. "ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?"
"Oh, right!" said Hermione, and she whipped out her wang, waved it, muttered something, and sent a jet of the same bluebell flames she had used on Snape at the plant.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
01:35 ~
Dasher is pretty cool.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
02:25 ~
This is a post because you have to post to get it to publish and blogger frelling frelled up my blog so I need it to frelling publish properly!
02:05 ~
Query time. And this time it's.. What the Frell?
"terry pratchett sucks" - When did I ever talk about Pratchett?
"larry niven block" - Larry Niven?!
"peter wolfe fowles: magus" - I don't even know who or what the heck that is
"'The Magus' by j. fowles" - Ohh... so who's Peter?
"homestar runner layouts" - Okay, now /that/ is.. kinda tempting.
<Sirius> Peter? Wolf? Magus? Isn't it obvious?
01:37 ~
This is just a post to see if the comments will work. Stupid blogger.