Jellyn’s Collection of Curiosities

Episode 39.

This is a download.

This one has the intro intact in the episode and it’s 41 minutes total. Hrrm. Also, the theme song sounds different. Maybe it’s slightly speeded up? Maybe it has to do with the sound quality? Hrrm.

So Trip’s crashed on a moon with an alien dude who was trying to kill him. If he ends up delivering the alien’s baby, I’ll call foul.

And now he calls Trip ‘dahmmit’, which sounds an awful lot like Davidge to me.

Did I mention the alien looks a lot like a Drac?

T’Pol’s voice didn’t sound quite right there either.

Thought maybe I’d accidentally hit the ‘faster’ button, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

–

Episode 40.

Back to the Tivo.

T’Pol is HIV+. Oh, wait, sorry, I’m sure the analogy was supposed to be much more opaque.

Did the Vulcans ever eat anything other than plomeek soup? It’s like.. egg drop soup being the only Chinese dish a chef can make.

And, look, T’Pol caught her disease from that guy who mindmeld assaulted her.

Now not only is mindmelding an outdated practice, but a practice that’s condemned. And it’s genetic, apparently. Not all Vulcans can do it. I have a lot of trouble reconciling this with Spock, who might very well have been born by now. Certainly his father is hanging about.

What in the world makes you think Phlox is going to care that his wife is flirting with you?

Well, I think a little more highly of T’Pol after that episode. But the episode as a whole. Bleh. I just hate when it’s so obviously a message episode and they stick so closely to the thing they’re trying to draw parallels too. Their point would’ve been far more effective if it had been far more subtle. If the situation had been _similar_ rather than nearly freaking _identical_.

Also, if instead of being all sympathetic to gay people by doing an HIV/AIDS ep, if they’d just freaking include a gay human somewhere. Y’know.. that’d be like.. better.

Episode 37

Oh goodie, we started out with honkytonk music.

Surprise surprise. A frozen person. And it’s a woman. A pretty woman. That Trip can obsess over.

This ‘alien language’ (as the captions love to call it) sounds just like some other alien language.

I was thinking this was like Star Wars (Han and Leia), but it’s rather more like Spaceballs.

“You’re my only hope of surviving here Mr. Tucker.”

They’re rolling together in the water, such a shock. Oh, they kissed, before I had a chance to type that they were totally going to do that next.

Well, it may have been because I was distracted by playing with frogs on my iphone, but that was a really stupid episode.

–

Episode 38

I was going to say ‘The Catwalk’ does not bode well. But it’s probably more like the catwalks in engineering.

Considering the last episode and this one, it was not a time for claustrophobics to be watching Enterprise.

‘spatial turbulence’? What’s that even supposed to mean?

You know.. there is tech on this show that is no longer futuristic. Though it hasn’t quite gotten to the point of archaic. (Archer’s watching a polo match on a PADD.)

*snerk* Chef. Just as I was thinking we ought to see this Chef in this situation.

I must mention that this group of aliens is. Shokku. All men.

Well, that ep was kind of interesting. Put them all in an unusual living situation. So there was a lot more interpersonal intraship stuff, which is the most interesting part of this series. Or possibly any Trek series. And I’m glad to see they don’t seem to have sex segregated themselves. At least not radically.

–

And now I hit a speed bump, because the Tivo is missing eps.

Episode 35

Okay, the lion made me think Gryffindor. Then I thought… wait, the colors are totally right! Red = captain, security, dead people = Gryffindor! Blue = science, medical, Spock = Ravenclaw! Yellow = engineering, noncoms, general get ‘er done types = Hufflepuff! Rowling totally stole her color scheme from Star Trek! Or there’s a Western archetype at work.

Where do you think the green comes in….? Romulans?

I’m thinking they should’ve steered around the black hole.

Writers, you did not just make one of the two chicks in the main cast take over for Chef. :P

Reed alert did amuse me.

Did Hoshi just call oden ‘odeng’? I wonder if that’s the Korean pronunciation.

The crew’s symptom seems to be obsession.

Well, that episode was pretty silly. In a trivial way, not an amusing way.

–

Episode 36.

Hey, they did their people transporter tests in Madison, Wisconsin.

Surprise, surprise, someone’s going invisible and it’s one of the women.

This better be a dream or something, because the linguistics make no sense.

Oh, look, a shower scene. And not like last episode’s where Archer was fully clothed. A naked Hoshi one.

I suspect this is all in her head during the transport. Or what passes for a head when you’re just a bunch of energy.

Well, I pegged that. Nobody was acting quite right. And given it just came after an episode where people weren’t acting right, it made the viewer hypersensitive to that.

Episode 33

And that lion gets me every time!

I thought T’Pol had said she’d never been to Risa.

Trip learning being captain is hard. You have to decide things.

–

Episode 34

Tsk. Malcolm lost his communicator. Probably dropped it down a toilet.

Surgically altered? Looks more like they had a facemask applied to them in the makeup department.

I must’ve missed whatever explanation they cooked up for why they couldn’t use the transporter.

Episode 31

It’s nice they try for some continuity at least. The endless trip to Risa. And now they’re still damaged from the minefield.

Tellarites. I think they were in the Federation…

Doesn’t look like we’re likely to see them though.

It takes you this long to conclude the station is automated?

Good old humans. Looking a gift horse in the mouth.

The station’s control room has a giant snitch in it.

No replicating gagh then. At least not live, squirming ones.

Why did they detect no biosigns? Why did the station pump human atmosphere and a human-comfortable temperature even into parts of the station it didn’t want them to be in? Why do they have no qualms about blowing up a bunch of people?

Oh oh.. how coincidental that their brain damage was ‘permanent’, so don’t feel so bad about killing them.

And was this supposed to be a proto-Borg station?
–

Episode 32. Marauders. Ah, if only…

Cardassians this time? No, not quite. No neck ridges. But the forehead bumps are right.

Um… it shouldn’t matter how good T’Pol’s ears are. Since Klingons and this bumpy forehead group should not be speaking English (or Vulcan).

Klingons as abusive boyfriend. Why do these people put up with it? The Klingons aren’t hanging out watching them. When another ship comes along, can’t they say.. ‘Please take us off planet somewhere.’? Or ‘please sell us weapons.’?

Why did the kid not get to go up to Enterprise? The chick was up there getting medical supplies.

Why do you have to do your weapons training on Enterprise?

Can you shoot womp rats too, kid?

I feel like if we’re going to have a 10-minute battle, I want to fastforward through it.

Why do Vulcans have martial arts anyhow? All for the sake of the koon ut kalifee?

Why did they just ditch their bat’leths like that?

Did the Klingons have transporter technology before? I.. can’t quite remember. In any case, why did they not get wise when the coordinates were different?

Also, all white outfits are illogical.

Episode 29

Minefield does not sound like a promising episode title.

Restaurant Impossible was making a hollandaise sauce. And now they’re eating eggs benedict. Makes me want some.

Methinks they just hit a mine from the title.

I don’t know that they’re micrometeorites if they were out in space and hit something else out in space.

Dude, your _backup_ plan is to detach that section of hull plating?! Shouldn’t that have been your first plan?!

Ah, Romulans.

Ha ha ha. Malcolm. That’s what Star Trek needs. More snark.

Rubbish EV suit if you can’t pee in it.

La la la. It’s over with.

—

Episode 30

Yes, let’s start the episode with a rubdown. Both women. And Archer. And… the dog.

Awwww… poor Porthos.

See, jogging. When big boobs are at their most illogical. She’s got good support though.

Some bg music there that made me think of TOS.

Oh come on.. how many T’Pol sex dreams do we need? We’re up to three, by my count! Because we just can’t imagine her having an actual sexy scene with someone, and you can’t waste her! Especially as there’s only two women in the main cast and she’s got.. well, those tracts of land I’ve mentioned already.

Come on.. two Freudian slips in one conversation?
Heh.. and the doctor just said nearly the same thing.

How _does_ he manage that smile?

Well, that episode wasn’t too bad. Apart from all the stupid sex stuff. On second thought, maybe it was pretty bad.

Episode 28.

Why is it episode 28 and not episode 27? I don’t know. But Syfy aired this one next and it’s part 2 of Shockwave and the season opener. So I’m watching it next, regardless of numbers. Why is it number 28?!?!?!

Is it a time travel thing? Or is it to screw with the Vulcans?

It’s 27! There are FOUR LIGHTS!

Anyway…

That MGM lion keeps freaking me out. I keep thinking SyFy changed their schedule and are showing a movie.

Time travel is more complicated than an HG Wells novel. True, true, there’s all the timey-wimey bits that Wells didn’t take into account.

3000 colonists? I thought it was 3600. Though maybe it was 2600. In either case, that’s not very accurate for a Vulcan!

Heh, Archer said he didn’t know anything about the Federation and I thought he was having temporal amnesia. But, yea, not created yet. And is he only reading the English books? Cuz he should only be reading the English books.

Now Archer’s a hologram to the past. Jeesh.

That was the STUPIDEST REASON IN THE WORLD for Hoshi to wind up topless.

Boring, boring, boring. And a non-stirring speech about how humans are baby animals. Or something.

And no one cares about the colony.

Can we rewrite both of those episodes? We can keep the first couple minutes. You remember? When they were off to visit a matriarchal society?

–

Episode 27. (Or whatever.)

I sense an excuse to dress up in Western outfits.

Though they did say Pennsylvania. Maybe they’ll be Amish outfits.

Um, lawyer dude, I’m in New Hampshire. Most of the people viewing your commercial are there or Massachusetts, probably. The cowboy hat? Not really reassuring me you’re an awesome lawyer.

Apparently Vulcan fathers contribute very little in the way of DNA to their offspring. T’Pol’s mother’s mother’s mother looks like her twin.

Vulcan dudes, you’re in the woods. If the deer can live there, you should be able to find food. Roots, nuts, berries, leaves, bugs.

I guess it’s a little too late for Wild West gear. We’re being treated to the space race era instead.

I thought this episode might annoy me because I still have vague memories of a Star Trek novel where Spock is part of first contact with humans. He’s also got amnesia. And I think it /was/ the Wild West. And he makes some money gambling. And of course now here they are going to gamble.

Oh come on.. did we really need a whole montage of one game of pool? :P

Trip’s right. It does sound like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

I bet this is all a story. They did ask T’Pol to tell them a story.

I feel like this episode has gone on for awhile. Maybe I keep pausing it more often than I think I do.

Why is everyone always inventing Velcro? It doesn’t even make sense. Velcro was invented about 20 years before this episode.

Not the most boring episode ever, but..

Episode 25.

Hey, look, they made it to Risa.

T’Pol’s sounding more monotone than usual.

Do they mean half the crew doesn’t get shore leave at all? Or just don’t get to go first?

This one guy from the last episode who’s also in this episode keeps making me think of Ted Raimi and John Barrowman. Which before I wouldn’t have thought of those two people together. It’s the mouth, somehow.

I think I remember this ep. But I could be confusing it with some other show where there’s adjoining balconies with a man and a woman on them.

Thanks so much, SyFy, for putting your show adverts right on top of the subtitles, in the same color no less. :P

I thought this guy was Cardassian at first.

Risan sounds cool. And easier to speak than Klingon.

Trip’s lounge suit is giving me trouble whenever I look at it.

This is getting pretty cheesy. Oh ha ha, my dog got onto your deck. Hey, you wanna look at stars with me?

Well, Trip and Malcolm are sloshed. They’re about to be scammed.

‘Teacher’ is a stupid word not to know if you speak English that well after only a day. Considering she’s been ‘teaching’ you it.

Yea, Walmart, what a deal! For only 3$, they’ll cash your check!!

The moral of the story? Women on shore leave have more fun?
Or, don’t ever go to Risa?

–

Episode 26

One thing I will say for SyFy, all of these shows are starting and ending on time. Like, pretty bang on time. Within 10 seconds.

A matriarchal society? You mean wommins can do stuffs?! Other than speak in Klingon or meditate?

Dude, trip, if it’s a matriarchal society that’s just now pushing for equal rights, then flirtatious is exactly what you should be if you want to get noticed and get ahead.

Well, that did not look good. I don’t think we’ll be seeing the matriarchal society. :(

Okay, guys, seriously.. all these dead people, and now you’re all just more concerned with the future of Starfleet.

To be continued. And I believe that was the season finale. So we get to wait until next season to find out if anyone gives a crap about that colony.

Episode 23. Back to the Tivo.

Off to Risa for some shore leave! It’s a wonder there’s any planet or race left for TOS to encounter for the first time.

Oh.. Nuvian masseuses. I thought he said Nubian.

Kind of annoyed they keep calling it English. I liked it better when the name of it was avoided.

I appreciate that this Vulcan ambassador is a woman. But I’m suspicious that she may be a woman because the episode’s plot demands it.

Well, no particular reason why she was a woman, except maybe it meant the T’Pol hero worship thing was stronger.

A meh episode. I wish they’d gone to Risa instead.

–

Episode 24. They’re headed again to Risa. But I will be so annoyed if it turns out to be they never get to Risa!

The captain’s apparently decided to take the Risan shore leave this time. You’d think he would’ve considered Porthos the first time (in the last episode).

Ah, an excuse for Trip and Archer to get shirtless.

I didn’t think they’d freed thousands of Suliban. I think the number that was stated was 89.

Anyway, clearly these guys are terrorists, because they live in a desert and the head guy has an accent. And not a sexy British one.

Is this fantasy meal of Trip’s the same reconstituted one he ate when he was doomed on a shuttlepod with Malcolm?

Mega Python vs Gatoroid?! Sounds like an intense all-night coding session for a group that ran out of Mountain Dew and Red Bull.

Wow. Okay. I just made the mistake of GoogleImaging Jolene Blalock (safesearch happened to be off). It makes her ridiculous outfit seem downright modest!

Oh, as for this episode. Yea, whatever, desert.

Episode 21.

I sure hope they train Starfleet officers with the scenario ‘you and one and only one crewmate wake up in a mysterious prison’.

Slightly tempted to take that intro and set it to different music, see if I can improve it.

Heh. Dean Stockwell. I bet I watched this episode when it aired because he was in it.

I think big boobs are illogical.

Speaking of vegetarians, I wish just once we’d meet a human who was.

I don’t know if that episode was stronger or weaker for the blatant analogy Archer drew to the Japanese internment camps. I mean, it was quite obvious before he said that. But I suppose there are plenty of Americans who don’t know that part of history, so maybe his mentioning it will get someone interested in learning more. Although one would/could hope that Trekkers knew about those already given George Takei’s history.

–

Episode 22 is not on the Tivo, so I shall be watching a download.

Vox Sola. Ah. Latin. I wonder if this is a Hoshi ep.

That opening scene was very familiar to me. I haven’t really felt that way since episode one and the Klingon in the cornfield. And I believe the misunderstanding with this first contact incident was about inviting them to dinner. With the classic sf principle (I would quote the story if I remembered it, and if there was only one) that some races eat in private.

Definitely a Hoshi ep.

Redstripeshirt, you are doomed! No movie for you!

Water polo ftw!!

Rather annoyed that the only female crewman trapped in this web is the one who’s closest to dying. She wasn’t even the first one trapped. But Rostov must be prettier to look at or something.

Everyone did their part in that episode, so it turned out to be a less Hoshi-centric episode than I thought it was going to be. But because everyone had a role to play in there, I’m going to rate the episode pretty highly.

Episode 19. Which I inexplicably downloaded, even though I did have it on my Tivo since early November. Aired out of order, but I had it.

Anyway, Ferengi!

That’s more actual Ferengi than I think we’ve ever heard. If nothing else, Enterprise is the Trek to watch if you’re a linguist.

As much as the Ferengi are cool, I feel I must point out. ALL MALE. Again.

I like their face masks. It took their noses and ears into consideration in its design.

Trip gets to run around in his underwear. So I will give them credit to attempting some equality in who they show half naked and how often.

Well, that was stupid. He should’ve agreed he had gold-pressed latinum. There was no telling gold was worth anything to them.

I wondered if Porthos was awake.

*snicker* Ferengi eps never fail to amuse.

Well, I don’t have too much to object to there. They sort of needed that after the last two eps of bleh!

–

Episode 20

I was going to say.. why it whenever they meet a mysterious thing it’s a pretty woman. ODO!

Ahem, where was I?

Turns out it’s a whole group of people though. Plus Odo. ODO!

Penal colony? Refugees? Ghosts?

Okay, so they’re all dead and hanging out in this computer simulation. Except Liana, who’s actually alive? Then we’re back to the mysterious pretty girl potential love interest model.

Oh, and Odo.

Holographic doctor. Ha ha ha. Not.

Meh. Well, there was a bit of a mystery. But in the end, it wasn’t terribly novel. So I’m not rating this ep very high. Middle of the (rocky) road.

Episode 17.

Oh boy. Women are nearly a third of the crew! Such equality!

What the frell, guys? Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to captain a starship!!!

I’m thinking I’m going to take objection to more things in this ep in the near future.

I’m predicting attempted rape. Of the purely heterosexual kind.

Blah jazz.

I don’t know about this idea to make mind melds an ‘ancient technique’ that’s gone out of vogue. I don’t think there’s nearly enough time for it to come back and be popular enough that a half-human Spock can do it pretty darned well. And I thought it was used during pon farr. And I thought it was used in mindhealing (or whatever the Vulcan term is).

Blah blah blah jazz.

Well, that may not have been rape in the traditional sense, but I’m saying it qualifies. Especially given the aftermath. I was wrong on the ‘attempted’ part though.

WOW imdb. THAT IS UGLY WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?!

Syfy, really? Triassic Attack. Killer dinosaur skeletons.

Anyway, what the heck did that episode have to do with ‘Fusion’?

All in all, did not like that episode.

—

Episode 18.

How does this planetary body you’ve just found get labelled a ‘planet’ when it’s not in a star system? Why not a moon? Or.. ‘there’s this weird large round thing hanging out by itself’.

I don’t think I’m buying this idea that you can have animal life on a planet without a sun, even if they do have heat from volcanic activity (which I also think is impossible). I think they should be thinking this is pretty darned weird and impossible without sentient intervention!

Not only animal life, but plant life? And where’d all this atmosphere come from? Look, I will buy a rogue planet. I will not buy a rogue planet that is M class!!

There are higher primates. We don’t touch them. Yea, I bet they have forehead bumps too. So you know they’re alien pseudo-humanoids.

Hunting went out of style on Earth a hundred years ago. Sure it did. It’s okay eating dead animals, just so long as we didn’t have fun killing it.

I’m getting REALLY TIRED of them running into groups that are ALL MALE!

Apart from the Klingon woman I’m having trouble thinking of any other women who weren’t around because A) it was an entire society and so it would’ve been weird if they weren’t there and/or B) Someone needed a love interest.

Oh, look, the creature they’re hunting gets to be female.

Half an hour in and I just realized this episode is boring as heck.

Tsk! Archer, you just called it English!! I though they’d been pretty good at not saying what language they were actually speaking. Since by TOS it’s supposed to be Federation Standard. And really, for Federation Standard to be English is Human and AgloAmerican-centric in the extreme.

Now I’m thinking the creature they’re hunting that’s female is.. category B). :P Oh, with a smidgen of A) since she’s protecting babies.

Yea, because you can’t touch hallucinations? Fft.

Stop being so freaking cryptic, chick, and just tell him what’s going on so he can stop it and this episode can end and put me out of my misery.

Yea, um, you only saved their species if there’s only a few of them in this particular part of the planet and nowhere else on the planet. Good job.

–

Those two episodes back to back do not make me want to watch more. Oi. I do begin to see why I stopped watching this series when it aired. When they’re not annoying, they’re just dull. Dull dull dull.

Episode 15. Got anything to do with Porthos?

Still not a big fan of the theme song, though it does get stuck in your head a bit.

I wouldn’t want to wear a space suit with a cold.

Doctor’s all.. well, you won’t be contagious in an environment suit, but then he shared a shuttlepod with them.

Don’t be so concerned with the Klingons waking up. You have weapons that can stun, you know.

Klingons eat targs?

Ugh. I fail to see what’s so relaxing about sitting on a hard bench in a blue room with an annoying noise. Plus it’s apparently hot enough to sweat in.

–

Episode 16. Shuttlepod One. Are we about to lose a shuttle? So far their track record is better than Voyager, who should be conserving theirs!

I expect you use less oxygen while sleeping, so actually it’d make sense to spend as much time sleeping as possible.

The captions have gotten worse. Your instead of you’re (that may’ve been in the previous episode). Now it’s instead of its. Tsktsk.

So much for future biology classes. Hair and fingernails do not keep growing after you die. So sayeth Snopes. (Oddly the wording in that entry sounds suspiciously like the wording I read in What Did We Use Before Toilet Paper? Might be worth checking that out again and searching for plagiarism. I already had a low opinion of it. Googled the quote I included in my review. Found someone else plagiarizing the book on a forum instead.)

You also shouldn’t drink alcohol when you’re cold, it’ll just make you colder. Even if you feel warmer for a time.

I think I do want one of those hats.

Foo. Quick search yields bad knockoffs on CafePress. They don’t even look right.

Well, that ep was okay. Nothing to write home about. (Ha ha)

Episode 13. Dear Doctor. I hope that means it’s interesting. Phlox is at least not a boring human, which this ship and show is filled with. And I do like doctor stuff.

Last time we had a person eating bugs, Kes was going into heat.

That wasn’t much of an opener. The doctor feeding his creatures.

Makes me think, though, of the spaceship trope that animals aren’t allowed on board. I know there are plenty of stories where they are, but look at TOS and the tribbles caused havoc. And then we didn’t see anything until Data’s cat. Oh, and Picard’s fish. Even though there’s a long naval tradition of animals on board. Rats and weevils, unwanted. Pigs and goats and whatnot for food. Strange creatures gathered on travels, like monkeys and parrots and whatnot. Pets, probably some trade goods. So it’s kind of odd that there’d be these edicts against animals on spaceships. But I swear it’s a trope.

Man, if the only entertainment is old, bad movies, I think I’d go crazy on that ship. Especially since in an earlier episode they were talking about like.. an attack of the killer androids or something and how horrible it was, yet it sounded like nobody had turned it into MST3K or Rocky Horror!

An unknown disease amongst an unknown species and none of them seem at all concerned about catching it!

(Interrupted by lengthy phone call. Then a shower. Resuming approximately an hour later.)

Very heavy-handed reference to the Prime Directive. I thought it was bad when he was referring to a hypothetical doctrine. But then he threw around the word directive. :P

That was an interesting episode. I’ll rank it in my top 3.

–

Episode 14 was aired after 15. Sigh, Syfy.

Well, as much as I like Vulcans, I don’t know how much of this plotline I can stand. Now the Vulcans are pulling out in a hissy fit.

I guess it beats more Suliban.

How the Vulcans got a reputation for truthfulness, I don’t know. Those monks were lying out their butts with every word.

Boring episode. Snore.

Episode 11 aired on 11/11. Sadly, 11/11/10, but we can’t have everything.

The stupid Suliban or whoever they were and their temporal Darth dude who gives them orders. Sigh.

It’s rather cool the Captain eats in his quarters and there’s a chef and he has a couple people over for dinner, etc.

How come these people on a pilgrimage are all male? Seriously, guys, chicks can be religious too. I wouldn’t mind except we just had the Vulcan ep where they were all male.

Deja vu. Bakula was talking to a dude about being pregnant. Now he’s talking to a dude who’s a time traveler.

I keep looking at the counter and calculating how much time is left. Zzz.

I don’t know why Archer is so spooked about the temporal dude’s quarters. Or why the last shot was accompanied by spooky music.

—

Episode 12.

Romulans.

They’re just going to lead the Romulans back to Earth. Not that Earth’s existence or location is a closely guarded secret anyway!

Huh. Not Romulans after all.

Chef clearly is not a pastry chef. Despite the earlier pecan pie.