I’ve recently read two books about nearly the same subject. Wifework by Susan Maushart, and The Second Stage by Betty Friedan. The subject was why, now that a critical mass of people seem to believe women should have equal rights in the workplace, women are still responsible for the mental (and physical) upkeep of marriage and family.

The Second Stage, having been written originally over 20 years ago, is somewhat dated at this point; the issue she worries people are getting sidetracked by — the feminist crusade against pornography — may still be going on, but from my perspective it is the Christan Right who has taken up this banner and is busy waving it. But it is true that the feminist establishment has become just another interest group, like the NAACP. They don’t seem to be capable of effecting any real change, nor does it seem like they want to. Conditions in this country would be much different if every parent were guaranteed paid leave after the birth of a baby, and that safe and affordable childcare would be available when they needed it. But that doesn’t even seem to be on the table. In any case, back to the point of the book, which was that, having achieved momentum in equality in the workplace, women now need to focus their attention back on the other side of life: family. Equality there is, unfortunately, lagging behind.

Wifework, which was just published earlier this year, is an update to this continuing problem. And it is a problem. Virtually everyone spoken to, male or female, will agree on an intellectual level that yes, of course work in the home should be shared equally between partners. And then they’ll go right on doing what they’ve been doing all along.

“Wifework”, as defined by Maushart, is the mental and physical work which goes into maintaining a marriage and a family. This is traditionally work which has been done by women and continues to be done by them. It is best illustrated by example, so we’ll take a look at my own parents:

My father worked for the federal government. He travelled regularly, perhaps 5-10% of the year. The rest of the time he would drive to work in the morning and come home at night. In later years, he was a supervisor, and so had fairly flexible hours, so was able to leave early if he needed to get home to coach a baseball game or something of that nature. He devoted a great deal of time to running the youth sports in our town (a demanding volunteer position). But as sports were a passion — as was managing them (his newest hobby had been fantasy football/baseball/basketball) — this was also recreation. It was ‘fun’. He would go out and play ball with us. He would go to our games. Sometimes he would fix things around the house, but more often he would start a project and then abandon it, or do a half-assed job. He wasn’t an absent father, but he pretty much only did the things which would be fun for him too.

Until I was 11 or so, my mom was a full-time homemaker. After that, she worked part time. She did all the laundry, all the cooking, all the cleaning. She decorated for holidays, shopped for food, clothing and virtually everything else. She did all the outdoor work — lawn mowing, weeding, trimming. She carted us to and from school, clubs, lessons and stores. She did all of the dirty work of child-raising: the disciplining, the getting everyone off to school, the making lunches, the parent-teacher meetings, volunteering at the school library and in the classrooms. She did minor home repair and decorating, repainting every single room in the house, framing pictures, making lampshades, staining and polyeurathaning cabinets, trim and window dividers.

On top of all of that, she did all of the mental running of the family. She made sure everyone made it to the dentist twice a year. To the doctor. She kept track of prescriptions. She planned the meals. She figured out the budget and paid the bills, knowing how much money was available to spend where. She made sure everyone was on time for their games, and made sure to have washed the uniform before it was needed. She kept track of everyone’s birthday and all the other major holidays, shopping and planning out anything special that needed to happen prior to that. She wrote the Christmas cards and sent cards out to both his family and hers on birthdays and holidays. She knew when school projects were due, and made sure people finished them. In short, she was responsible for the intimate details of 5 people. And in all that time, I only remember 2 slipups (regarding myself), and for one of those it was half my father’s fault.

It’s not so much the housework that is what exhausts women. Housework is annoying and mindless menial labor. The necessities can get done, the non-necessities — like dusting the top of the bookshelves — can slide if you’re busy. And it’s not that men don’t ‘help’. But it’s that they don’t ‘help’ without being asked, and when asked, they only do exactly what they’re told. Here’s a hint: When a woman says ‘do the dishes’ she doesn’t mean ‘rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher’. She means ‘rinse the dishes, put them in the dishwasher, wipe down the counters and the sink, put the rest of the food in the fridge, pick up any obvious large bits on the floor, make sure there’s no trash lying around on the counters or floor’. This is the problem. It’s the managerial part that’s the killer. If you can’t trust the person to whom you delegate tasks, you either have to keep correcting them (read: nag), follow after and do the task again, or simply give up and do it yourself in the first place.

Some of the men surveyed thought that their wives were simply neater than they were. And overall, perhaps it is true that women have higher standards of cleanliness than men do. But that doesn’t mean that this is okay, or that men should only have to work up to their own standard. If their standard is too low, then they will have to adjust. My own standards are much lower than my mother’s — my mother changes the bed sheets twice a week — but I can’t see them descending much further down than they are.

So, overall, I thought this was a very interesting book. It came at the problem from a perspective I hadn’t thought of before — and which I imagine a lot of people hadn’t thought of before. The mental energy expended to keep track of all of this stuff is not something that’s really quantifiable, and thus it is often overlooked. But really — why should a wife be responsible for sending a birthday card to her husband’s mother? It’s his mother.

Kenpi showed me this, from URLGuest. The thing is, I’m sure I’ve seen it before. Not that actual commercial, but another one from the Hi-Ho series. It looks very familiar.

Jen, that is an interesting article. Of course, it came from newsmax, which is not really a place of news. McCain, for a Republican, at least showed a little integrity in sticking to his guns. But for all that, he’s still not a Democrat. At least not a northeastern socially liberal Democrat of the sort I would vote for. Jim Jeffords… I would like to see run. But it won’t happen. And about the book, I haven’t read much of it yet, and reviews have been mixed — people are pleased at the tone, but question the specifics of some incidents. I thought it would be interesting as long as it’s taken with a grain of salt.

Kenpi has a new layout. And comments! I like the layout quite a bit, though the right hand column is rather squished on my work display.

I have actual comments about some books I’ve been reading but they’ll have to wait ’til later.