Dear Mr. UPS Man

It may surprise you to know that we do not shoot beams of fire from our eyes. Nor will you turn to stone if we should look upon you. Thus there is no need to flee after the lightest of taps against the door; we also have no interest in stealing your truck should you by some chance not be halfway down the street by the time we walk down the hall.

And wouldn’t this be less work for you? It would save UPS a bundle in post-it notes and gas were you to actually DELIVER the packages you hold hostage rather than drive away from houses where people are home and waiting.

Results, plz.

Annoyed Customer